Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Glory of Nothing

At the end of October I posted a personal essay here titled The Worst it Ever Was. This post, written back in July, was a discussion of the end of one of my most significant relationships and how I reacted to the end. To say I had forgotten this post was out there would be misleading, however suffice to say it was not something I really spent a lot of time thinking about. Imagine my surprise when the following comment appeared on my Blackberry (my blog is set to email me whenever someone leaves a comment):

Anonymous said...

Here's your comment.I stopped visiting your blog because of something you said after my last comment, I tried to shrug it off as not being about me but in case it was I thought it was best to leave you alone rather than upset you, obviously you don't or won't believe that I wouldn't want to hurt you all over again, that's your choice I'm not here to change your mind. It wasn't until today that I was reading through your blog and spotted it.

I've apologized before for how I handled things, I was what, all of 21?, and I ended things the wrong way, fate kicked me in the ass afterwards be happy! I let you fade out of my life because I cared about you not because you were "trash". Everytime we talked it would start heading down that same road and we would hang up the phone and I was cry and kick myself and feel like shit so when the phone would ring I stopped answering it.

I still refer to you as the last "good" relationship I had. The guy who would have done anything for me, treated me like a goddess and loved me no matter how impossible I was...and yes I know I was impossible (I still am). You wouldn't have been happy with me forever, I'm not happy enough with myself for anyone to be able to give me forever. I don't think I could have explained to you what I wanted then because I didn't understand it the way I do now. It's ok if you hate me, I don't always like myself very much either, but you know/knew me well enough to know that I always wanted someone who could hurt me, I always needed a collar, I just didn't know what to ask for.

So, I'm sorry.

Kat, Katie, Kate, Kitty, Wildkitty, Wildkat

P.S. I did my best to refrain from using any cute winks or smilies.
This was posted at 3:21 PM on March 14th. This will become important in a bit.

At first I was confused as hell. I have been a slacker when it comes to posting recently, and certainly nothing that would generate this sort of response. Of course I can no longer access the Opiate from the office, therefore it was some time before I figured out that Kat had finally read the post. “Interesting reaction,” I thought, and I kind of felt like a bit of a bastard.

That is until the next morning when the following post to her blog comes chugging through my feed aggregator:

http://funkywoodjam.blogspot.com/2005/10/worst-it-ever-was.html


I read this and I was sorry, just like I was sorry then...but what am I supposed to do? It was 6 years ago. I've been crushed since then, had my heart broken, I go on, I only occasionally hate them. The relationship ended because I needed things he couldn't give me...I wanted/needed someone who could put me in my place. We were two subs (not that it was ever discussed in those terms) trying to make a life together and that just didn't work for me. I don't do well with submissive men, give me an inch and I'll take a mile. When I'm treated like a princess I become a royal brat. I needed a Dominant partner and he wasn't it. It would be a few more years before I really put that all together, after that I had my own heart broken by my first Master and then again by someone I tried to make into a Master even though he could never live up to the title. At some point I stumbled into the swing lifestyle and at my first party I met Rick, the rest is history.

Are we always happy, nope, I cry a lot, but I know two things for certain, I enjoy sharing my life with more than one person (I dabbled in polyamory in two relationships before Rick and then with him) and I am only happy when I'm able to be my submissive self all the time rather than on occassion.

I read it and was sad...and now it just pisses me off...Fuck him for trying to make it sound like I was always a horrible person! I handled something badly, it happens, I was young and stupid, I've said I'm sorry for 6 years...move on.
This was posted to her blog at 4:45pm on March 14th.

In just under and hour and change she had gone from being sorry about what had happened to being angry at me for engaging in a bit of semi-public navel gazing. I even got the f-bomb.

When I first read this my fight got up and I was ready. It was going to be on like Donkey Kong. Then I got distracted by work, so I had to come back to the post and reread it later. There was no anger anymore. No hatred, no sadness. No visceral reaction. Not even the queasy emptiness that sometime follows on the heels of strong emotion. There was just…..nothing.

Then I laughed as it dawned on me. I had moved on. Somewhere buried in the posts and gnashing of teeth there was that cathartic moment. Fuck me indeed.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think her comment to you was every bit as nasty as what she posted on her blog, you just have to go back and read the whole post and comments, as if you were seeing it for the first time through her eyes. And then reread the snarkiness of the comment she left for you. There is some real anger in there.

Scott said...

So, I read your original post, and the last couple of lines of the essay read as follows,

“I am hoping that by sharing some of the worst times I have lived through that I might shed some light on them. Maybe I am hoping that confession will be the beginning of understanding for me.”

This seems to me to have been an exercise in soul searching for you, rather than some “I hate my ex” type rant. You opened up so that you can examine your feelings and grow as a person. While bearing my own soul to the world ain’t high on my list of strong points, I applaud it in others as it takes a great deal of courage and personal strength.

It seems, looking at the timings, as though you wrote it without a view of necessarily putting it up on the blog, doing so in the end merely because you “stumbled across it this weekend”. The gap between writing and posting suggests that you didn’t post it because you were pissed about it that day in particular and felt you had to vent to the world, it was just an insight into your personality that you chose to share with your friends (and whoever else happens to stumble across it).

Or maybe you just didn’t have anything else kicking around your workspace at that time – who knows.

Either way, I’m left wondering why it is that she feels the need to spout off at all? She isn’t offering anything constructive in either of her posts. She is almost 5 months late to be outraged, and lets be honest, about 5 years late for any apology to be worthwhile…

While I don’t agree that you spent any time “trying to make it sound like [she] was always a horrible person”, I am left with a feeling that she might have summed herself up pretty well.

Of course, I could be wrong.

Could be that she is just a needy little drama queen who doesn’t feel happy unless the whole world is revolving round her. Maybe she should take her own advice and “...move on”.

Anonymous said...

It's not about being constructive, it's about being understood. It seems like she is just angry about being misunderstood. And she has every right to post whatever she wants on her own blog without being labeled a drama queen. In the end I think this all just illustrates the point that the internet and print media in general is not the best communication tool, because things are often taken the wrong way. We forget how much can be conveyed in a gesture or a wink, or simply with tone of voice. And these are things that are difficult to do on a blog.

shannenigans said...

Yay, congratulations on getting past this, you have made a mighty step. One of my most memorable lessons, from the lovely Audrey: "Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for you. It is deciding that it is time to stop feeding your energy into being angry."