YouTubesday: Tis the Season

Well the summer movie blitz is on and even though the first offering really kind of stank things up, there is still hope for the spandex-clad crowd with the upcomming Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. (Jessica Alba makes my Sivler Surfer rise.) Your special-effect rasterbation needs will be taken care of by the third installment in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise (I'd plunder Kiera Knightly's booty) and Michael Bay's take on the Transformers, which I am sure will lead to cries of Childhood Rape from many Transformers fans, who, when you really think about it might be some of the most pathetic geeks out there. Those of you that crave spy/thriller action can sate your needs with a double-scoop of hot buttered Matt Damon, served with a side of George Clooney and Brad Pitt for all the ladies, in June's Ocean's Thirteen and in August's sadly Franka-free The Bourne Ultimatum. With all the hotness that is going to be crowding the screen this summer, you might find yourself wondering that oft pondered question WWJS? (What Would James See?)

To be honest I will probably see all of them at some point, but the movie I am most looking forward to is Live Free or Die Hard, coming to a theater near you on June 17th. The reason this is my number one most anticipated movie of the summer? Bruce Willis.

I am sure you do not need me to tell you that Bruce Willis is the bomb-dot-com, as the kids say, but I am going to it and you're going to like it! From his early days on Moonlighting he has always rocked. He even brings a smile to my face when suffering through the likes of Hudson Hawk, which according to IMDB has some much funnier lines than I remember, or Look Who's Talking Too. On top of all that he hit it with Sarah Jessica Parker, one of my teenage crushes, in the otherwise forgettable Striking Distance. Finally someone has come up with the perfect way to celebrate the manliness that is Bruce Willis, and I don't mean by dropping his ass like a hot potato and shacking up with a kid some sixteen years your junior, but rather a celebration in song:



This is the video for the Guyz Nite song "Die Hard." This song has been stuck in my head ever since Kevin posted it back in April. Blame him.

According to the boys over at Japan Probe, we're not the only ones eager to see more hot John McClane on terrorist bastard action. Japan's own Bruce Willis impersonator Puchi Bruce has been hard at work making Puchi Die Hard. Here he reenacts the scene from Die Hard With a Vengeance wherein our hero is forced to wander the streets of Harlem wearing a sign that says "I hate niggers." Here Puchi puts a twist on it by wandering around Roppongi wearing a sign that says "I hate Gaijin."



Somehow I think it looses something. While remaking this scene from Die Hard 2 Puchi learns two important lessons. First that terrorists have issues with math. Second movie grenades explode after five seconds of hippie time rather than real time.



Finally completing Puchi's trek through the franchise we have him starring in the final stand-off from Die Hard:



At first I thought they had mapped Puchi's head onto Bruce's body. If you look at the beginning of the clip it really looks like Puchi's head is too big for his body. ("He'll be cryin' himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.") All in all these things don't look too bad. What is it all leading up to? Why the release of this:



No, wait, lets roll that back and de-Puchify* it:



That's better! My nomination for the most quoted exchange of the summer?

Matt Foster: You just killed a helicopter with a car!
John McClane: I was out of bullets.

And here is the full trailer:



SWEET PILE OF MONKEY NUTS! Was that Silent Bob getting all lippy to John McClane there at the end of the trailer? I think I might have just had a nerd-gasm.


* Puchify! Can I get a witness! AMEN!