Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Elevator Etiquette

That’s right, it is time for me to put on my Miss Manners hat and instruct you barbarians on how we behave in a civil society. Today’s lesson concerns how one behaves when getting on, getting off, or riding in an elevator.

First. When waiting for the elevator DO NOT stand directly in front of the doors. You should always assume that someone is going to step off the elevator that you have just summoned. It’s just polite, you jacktard, and the next time you crowd my personal space with your burning need to getontheelevatorrightnowbeforeitdisappearsintothenothingness
fromwhenceitcame I will pimp slap you into the 25th century. Get it, Buck?

Second. Let anyone who is exiting the elevator actually exit the elevator before you jump on. I realize that elevators are a rare creature and your time with one should be cherished and all that, but seriously, the elevator will wait for you. They’re a particularly patient beast as long as you are paying attention, and they will not abandon you right after opening their doors.

Third. If you happen to step into a already crowded elevator (which, lets face it, you really shouldn’t) take notice of what floors have been selected before you press the button for your floor. This is important when you are one of the two people standing in front of the door. If you pay attention and step off the elevator to allow the poor soul, who has just spent an excrutiating ride trying not to unleash the wrath of the Lord our God upon all of the passengers, by without him having to push through things will be much better. For instance he might not have pulled the post-chili punch and run that occurred earlier this week.

Fouth. Don’t crowd the fat guy when there is an elevator’s worth of space. If you are standing so close to someone that their gut is touching your back you are WAY TOO FRACKIN’ CLOSE and you need to take a step forward. This is particularly true when there are a total of four people in the elevator. I realize that you might have a box in your arms that takes up a bit of room in front of you. Here is a simple rule of thumb. If you, your box, and the other occupants cannot fit into the elevator without things getting closer than a lap dance you need to get on the next elevator. If not there is a pretty good chance of you getting slapped with a harassment suit. Some people are not comfortable with strangers being that close to their junk. Of course if some people are helping you pay your “tuition” then it might be fine and you need to shake your money maker a little more.

That’s it kids. Just remember these easy guidelines and bets are you will survive riding the elevator just fine.


Monkey Critic said...

Too bad stupid humans can't just climb up sides of building like Kong. That why one day we will take over planet!

Joe Merrill said...

Who is looking out for the midgets? I bet we have been on elevators and didn't even know there were midgets riding with us. Maybe they should take the stairs by law. . .

James said...

I agree MC, although I think if you look at it, you might consider stupid humans the ultimate expression of monkey and therefore in a way you have already taken over the planet.

James said...

Joe I disagree with your anti-midget agenda. I believe they have an equal right to ride the elevator just like the rest of us, although I suggest that if they see me step on they may want to make a hasty exit as they are going to suffer the brunt of the punch and run that I may be forced to execute.