YouTubesday: Sumo!

So the other day I was tubing around the internets and I ended up on the Penny Arcade site. Across the top of the site was a banner ad featuring a not unattractive brunette* lounging in jeans an one of those silky camisole tops that are popular with the ladies these days who was shilling for a company which billed themselves as Sumo, Urban Lounge Gear. Thinking that Sumo, Urban Lunge Gear had to be some sort of club wear for the Taco Milagro set** I immediately went into what a friend refers to as Strong Black Woman mode complete with the mental "Oh no you didn't!" and a snap in Z formation. Sumo is not Urban Lounge Gear featuring shoeless skinny chics! No sir, not at all! Sumo is B-I-G dudes wearing funny britches throwing salt and running into one another. In a very strange way it is like Mormon chicken fights, but completely different.

I clicked on the link full of piss and vinegar and ready to give these Sumo, Urban Lounge Gear people a piece of my mind but first I had to understand what the hell they were actually selling. Turns out Sumo, Urban Lounge Gear is not some club wear for the "Whoa ugly!"*** set but rather a line of beanbags. Technically they sell one traditional beanbag, the Omni, and one beanbag ottoman, the cleverly-named Otto. I suppose I can tolerate the use of the name sumo for some beanbags, particularly since the Omni looks to be pretty frickin' huge, however it still seems wrong to me somehow. Why name the company Sumo?

The answer came in the product description. Apparently the beanbags are filled with top quality Sumo beads! And what, pray tell, are Sumo beads? Why they are, "...tiny little foam balls, polystyrene foam to be specific, that conform to your body like nothing else." I would like to take a moment to allow each one of you to ponder the existence of balls that conform to your body like nothing else for a moment.

Good, now that at least one of you has an unpleasant image in mind we can continue.

At this point I thought to myself, "Self, tiny little beads are not Sumo. Sumo is all about the fat man with salty palms pushing another fat man around while a hat-wearing man in a bath robe and socks directs the action with a fan." Clearly I had a mission to enlighten the masses about the madness that is sumo and thanks to the good people at YouTube, I can do just that. So sit back and enjoy as YouTubesday brings you more sweaty, bulbous man-flesh than any three of my girlfriends have ever had to deal with in an installment that could only be called:

Sumo - The Good, The Fat and the Salty

First up we have footage from an actual sumo match. Watch and learn grasshoppers!



I am not certain about the assertion that Asashouryuu is the strongest yokozuna, or grand champion, however he is clearly pretty strong as he is tossing those tubby guys around like their bales of hay.

Now here is one of Asashouryuu's matches if it were done by the gang over at CapCom:



HOLY CATS! Did you see that? He just blew the other guy up! I think we need some more of this sweet Street Fighter enhanced sumo action:



What is better than sumo enhanced with the power of Adobe AfterEffects? Why sumo babies, of course, and thanks to the cats over at Japan Probe (and here) that is just what we have for you. Sadly I was not able to find any YouTube coverage so we are stuck with non-moving pictures. That won't slow me down, though, particularly with pictures like this:


First there is the face-off....


....then there is the crying.


Now is it just me or is that baby looking down at that man's nipple and thinking, "Screw this screaming stuff, it's lunch time!" You might think I am crazy (to hang around with you) however apparently this wrestler washed with Biore soap. Check it, yo:



But we have wandered a bit further afield in search of the funny than I meant to. Let's wrap things up with a couple of commercials featuring sumo themes.

First up we have Takamisakari pimping wasabi-flavored ochazuke:



Then we have a funny commercial for the Aveo:



And to finish out the trifecta we have this old school commercial advertising the power of the alpha-numeric pager over the run of the mill pager:



I think I will leave you with that image because after all, I am a bad man.

Bonus Content

Guess what? I lied. As I was closing down all the YouTube tabs I had opened while preparing this piece for you guys I stumbled upon this:



Now this is what I call Army Sumo! Asian hotties in bikinis wrestling in the snow? Could it be any more perfect? I think not!


* Why is it brunette and now brown?

** There might be a couple of you out there who have not heard my Anti-Taco Milagro Rant and therefore need an not so brief explanation. Taco Milagro is this trendy Mexican restaurant and "beach bar" located at the corner of Kirby and Westheimer here in Houston. Back in 1998, right when friend of the Opiate Mr. TunaCan was entrenched in the Houston Burrito Wars, Taco Milagro opened up and as we were under the impression that they were trying to compete with Mr. TunaCan's place of employment we had to hate them from the start. Now fast forward to 2005. At long last my exile in College Station has ended and I have returned to Houston and managed to get a social life. One of the locales my burgeoning social life centered around was, and still is, Downing Street which is located right next to Taco Milagro. Under normal circumstances this would not be a problem and my loathing for Taco Milagro would seethe quietly beneath the surface, however they share a parking lot. Now since Taco Milagro is the place where the not-so-beautiful people go to hang out and act like they matter, this means parking for Downing Street is usually a royal pain in the ass until about 10PM on nice days. Holy monkey does Taco Milagro manage to pack them in and quite frankly the scenery is not worth it. There is usually a higher percentage of "Oh honey, you really shouldn't wear that," in the crowd than anything else. Add to this that it was one of Drunk Girl's preferred venues and the fact that they have a fountain on their porch which I fear combine with the power of Downing to get James in a lot of trouble. I think it is clear why Taco Milagro is my nemesis.

*** Who said that?