Friday, May 19, 2006

An Open Letter to God RE: Pat Robertson

Dear Lord,

There are times I doubt the power of prayer. For example I am still waiting for the VW van full of easy cheerleaders I prayed for after reading my first Penthouse letters column. Additionally Catherine Zeta Jones, Scarlett Johansson, and Kiera Knightly have yet to see the error of their ways and accept the fact that they cannot live another day without the Funkywoodjam in their lives. [That might be the dirtiest sentence I have ever typed here.] Finally I have yet to find the Aston Martin V12 Vanquish under the Christmas tree. Now I realize that all of these requests are somewhat selfish, except for Catherine Zeta Jones who seriously needs to be saved from rather poor decision making, however my latest request is not just for me and the sake of my sanity, but for you as well.

Please Lord, do something to shut Pat Robertson up. Even though this will distress my mother and grandmother to no end, something needs to be done about this character. Quite frankly, and I don’t know if anyone else is going to have the stones to tell you this, he is making you look bad. Now I am not talking bad as in you’re the cool kid in school who is saddled with a childhood friend who is the unredeemable nerd but rather bad in a holy shit if God rolls with this crowd I am out bad.

Pat’s latest escapade, detailed here, is his claim that you told him, if he heard correctly, “…the coasts of America will be lashed by storms.” When I first heard this I thought that Pat was threatening us with a good old dose of God’s wrath. Now if I remember my lessons from Sunday school properly you were, back in the day, all about the wrath and tossed storms about like the bastard son of Zeus and Thor on a week-long meth bender, I’m sure you remember the whole Noah and the Ark thing. However since the BC/AD split you have been a bit more mellow on the punishment front. After all, the purpose of Jesus’ sacrifice was to wash away the stain of our sins in your eyes. Therefore I am going to operate under the assumption that, if Pat heard you correctly, you’re serving up a warning.

Pat then goes in to fund raising mode telling people that, “And so when you contribute $20 a month to The 700 Club, you are saying, “I care about people. I care about my neighbors, I care about my friends, I care about those who are suffering.” Of course I am a bit of a cynic when I hear this sort of appeal for funds. It harkens back to the good old days of 1987 when Oral Roberts, if he heard you correctly, had to raise eight million dollars or you were going to take him home. Of course we won’t even get on the subject of these guys not being able to hear you correctly but I am thinking that if you want to be understood, they would hear you loud and clear. This sort of fear mongering appeal for funds really bothers me.

Of course I am going to skip the majority of my thoughts on the “if I heard correctly” qualifier Pat throws out there. I only want to say that I suspect if you wanted someone to hear you clearly then they would get the point. I don’t imagine you’re a mumbler.

Look God, you need to get this joker out of here. Every time he opens his mouth he comes off as awkward as I am when I try talking to girls, which is to say pathetically so. Beyond being awkward, he either really puts his foot in his mouth (please see here, here, here, and here for his thoughts on Chavez and subsequent wriggling) or makes you sound like a bit of a dick (here on Ariel Sharon and here on Katrina.)

Just something to think about. And God, if you have the time on that Aston Martin thing, that would be keen.

Sincerely yours,

James Wood

No, not that James, the other one who has a career and no ‘s’ on the end of the last name.


Abram said...

Whatever happened to Oral Roberts? Did he make it home?

James said...

Sadly I think he could not find the theologically correct off-ramp and so he's still hanging about.

I used to have to go to church camp at Oral Roberts University. [shudder]

Abram said...

You know I always used to think he was the toothbrush guy. You know... Oral B... ;)