That Kind of Day

So on Saturday I posted the following email to a list of friends:

While I was writing tonight the iPod decided to throw out BNL's "War on Drugs" and these lyrics really hit the place I am right now and I thought I would share:

They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?

From the very fear that makes you want to die
Is just the same as what keeps you alive
It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company

Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be

Sometimes it is frustrating when you are trying to write down what is in your head and then you find that someone else has already done it for you and better than you could have done.

As I said I was down in the dumps, inevitably over a girl, and posted this. This created some consternation amongst my friends, to which I responded:

No Susan, right now I am not ok. I went and did a dumb thing and the none too surprising results are taking a huge emotional toll on me right now. I cried myself to sleep last night and have spent most of the day in the office fending off bouts of tears. (Thank god there is something going round the office so no one is wondering why I have the sniffles. As for the rest I just look hungover which is not out of the question for me.). Having said that you are right to see promise in the lyrics which is why they appeal to me as much as they do.

No matter how hard it can be at times I always cling to hope. Sometimes it is as simple as hoping to wake up in the morning and taking that small victory when the alarm goes off and I stumble in to the shower. Eventually these small victories, these little hopesn pile up and become something more than just a salve for a wound. Eventually I find my way back to the larger hopes and dreams.

Though right now where I am at it is hard to have even those little hopes and I am having trouble seeing my way forward. Part of this comes from the fact that I don't like to dump my shit on other people. I feel so petty whinging about my problems because in the final analysis they are nothing compared to everything else going on out there. I broke down in the office this morning while talking about this with Brian and part of me just felt so small and petty. I mean so fucking what if some girl doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her. Whoop-de-fucking-doo and welcome to it pal. But this cat here? Still working on the tail end of a divorce. He shouldn't be stuck listening to my high school emoboy problems. But he does because he is a good friend.

On top of that I know that the hurt I feel right now will lessen over time even if I can't see that now. Right now I have to cling to the little victories. Waking up in the morning. Looking at the bottle of scotch on my desk and knowing I don't need it to go to sleep tonight. Even claiming victory after I break down crying and kicking and screaming because once I am done I get back up. It may take me a while but I always get back up. Then I can look the world in the eye and say, "Fuck you. Is that it? I am still here you son of a bitch and I will love just as deeply the next time." And then I can smile because that moment there? That's the big victory. Then comes hope.

Still not in a great place but I am getting better. Little by little. I am really glad I did not post the entire song as it deals with a girl committing suicide. Here are the entire lyrics:

"War On Drugs"

She likes to sleep with the radio on
So she can dream of her favorite song
The one that no one has ever sung since she was small

She'll never know that she made it up
She had a soul and we ate it up
Thrown away like a paper cup
The music falls

The only flaw in her detailed plan
Is where she wins back the love of her man
Everyone knows that he's never coming back

He took her heart and she took his name
He couldn't stand taking all the blame
He left her only with guilt and shame and then she cracked

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company

In the dream I refuse to have
She falls asleep in a lukewarm bath
We're left to deal with the aftermath again

On behalf of humanity
I will fight for your sanity
How profound such profanity can be

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company

Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be

Near where I live there's a viaduct
Where people jump when they're out of luck
Raining down on the cars and trucks below

They've put a net there to catch their fall
Like it'll stop anyone at all
What they don't know is when nature calls, you go

They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?

From the very fear that makes you want to die
Is just the same as what keeps you alive
It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company

Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be

Hard to admit I fought the war on drugs
My hands were tied and the phone was bugged
Another died and the world just shrugged it off

Glad I didn't post all that. People would have gone round the bend.