Save Me From, Well, Me

So this Friday I realized it is time to get out of the dating ghetto, by which I do not mean I have been dating in the ghetto but rather that it is time for my first dates to be something less than three years apart. As internet dating has somewhat worked out for a couple of friends of mine, what with one friend having hooked it up with a cheerleading coach who then left her job to be a Dallas Cowboys* cheerleader and another who is seeing some Belgian lady (a fact which will continue to offer me ammo for bad waffle jokes until they’re done), it seems like it might be time for me to dip my toes in the pool of structured internet dating.

The big problem with internet dating, aside from guys who pretend to be girls and girls who post pictures of porn stars rather than pictures of themselves, is the writing of the profile. There are many things in my life I hate; public speaking, when my boxer shorts bind up with my junk, bad breast jobs, and people who talk too loudly at bars, however writing a profile of myself is the absolute worst of the lot. It is like answering the, “If you were an animal what sort of animal would you be?”** question. There is no “right” answer to the question, but you always feel like you answered incorrectly.

A big part of this hatred comes from my inability to discuss myself in something bordering on serious terms. Make that my inability to discuss myself in semi-serious terms and make it sound appealing. My resume is a damn fine piece of fiction, however anyone who would read my resume and want to date me would probably be someone I don’t want to date. That’s just a bit too freaky even for my tastes. The other end of the spectrum is how I often describe myself on here which, since we all know me and already love me, work, however I doubt a personal add which says something to the effect of, “Fat git with taste for puns, comics, beer, and travel seeks big-breasted hottie for dirty sex and possible commitment,” is going to really get me anywhere good. Although now that I re-read that, it might get me exactly what I am looking to get out of this process.

Now I can tell you’re wondering what in the hell this has to do with you. Good question. Since I cannot write my own profile I thought I would throw it open to my friends and loyal readers (and even the drive-by reader if you’re so inclined) and ask y’all to write my profile for me. Post your entry in the comments section of this post and I will either select a winning entry or synthesize a profile out of all your posts.

Of course some of you are going to embrace this opportunity to take the piss out of me, which is welcome as well.

Thanks for your help!



* Initially I typed Coybows. I am not sure what a coybow is, but is sounds funny.
** I would be a salmon and besides the obvious salmon chanted evening jokes to be made I feel I would be pretty tasty smoked and served with a hollandaise sauce.

Tags: FWJ, Dating