The other day I was in my bathroom getting ready to go somewhere or getting home from work and I pulled off my shirt to be confronted by the most abhorrent site I had ever seen in my life (excluding goatse.cx and tubgirl, those are all manner of not right and might have scarred me.) Hairy manboobs. That’s right, I looked in the mirror and saw that yours truly was kicking some fierce A-cup action. Damn. Double-damn. For many years I have been what the kind refer to as big-boned and what the pragmatists call a fat git, but never in my life have I been kicking the manboobs before. It was disgusting! I mean besides my cute nipples it was just a traumatic experience, and I like boobs more than the average Joe, but not icky, hairy manboobs. Clearly it was time to take some action.
This action could really only take one of two forms, I could either give up and find somewhere that sells a 56A bra and support my boys (ain’t gonna happen for more than one reason) or I could get off my lazy and ever expanding butt and do something about it. RF (who I will refer to as Ratf#ck from now on) suggested home liposuction as a third option, and he even offered his wet/dry vac as the suctioning part, however I suspect this suggestion came more from RF just being kind of wrong rather than as a legitimate idea (although with that one you can never be 100% sure.) Clearly home liposuction was right out and if you have been reading the Opiate for awhile I am sure you have seen my rants about trying to get clothes for people of my build (located here and here for the new blood), therefore the only other option is to do something to combat the imperialistic tendencies of my fat cells.
Last year I went on a diet and came within 11 pounds of my goal (I was trying to go from a portly 311 lbs. to a more statuesque 250 lbs.) before everything just fell apart on me. By everything I mean my self-discipline went to crap and I started eating poorly again and I stopped walking. Now with the move to Houston I have successfully broken all of the good habits I had gotten into while doing the whole diet thing. Clearly it is time to fire up the old diet and exercise engine and get things squared away.
I have already started to replace some of my meals with salads, and RF and I are talking about being gym buddies (god that sounds so cute in a prison movie love sort of way). I would like to trim down to 250 lbs., which I think is a reasonable weight for my frame (my chest is about as deep as it is wide), and was the weight I was at before I left Houston. Since I want to start playing hockey again, I need to get my stamina up, and this means time on the stationary bike. Eventually running is not out of the picture, but I need to get down to 250 before that would be in the realm. I also need to work on my upper body strength. Throughout most of my life my legs have always gotten a good workout (of course they would, hauling my tubby butt around) and therefore have stayed in shape even as the rest of me goes to pot.
Here is the plan. I want to be in shape by the time I go to Flipside next year since this is really one of the few places I allow myself to all hang out as it were (and no, I am not talking about things south of the border, geeze you kids have dirty minds). Rather than say in shape, I would like to be down fifty pounds from where I am right now and hopefully be down a couple inches in the old waistline. Now all I have to do is decide which day will be my weigh in day and then get to work on cooking again. Keep your fingers crossed for me, hopefully in a few months there will be less of me to mock for being a fat git.
After I wrote this post on Tuesday I went out and bought myself a scale for the house and Wednesday morning I weighed in at a svelte 305.6 pounds. This is not as bad as I was expecting since I feel like I was more in the 320 range, but it still needs 55.6 pounds of work. Oh yeah, and it looks like Wednesday mornings are going to be my weekly weigh-in day.
I am still debating whether I should inflict a weekly update on all of you or not. On the one hand this comes perilously close to posting the cat, however I think posting the information here might help keep me motivated. If I am embarrassing myself in public I tend to be a bit more disciplined.
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