Monday, July 18, 2005

Lesbian Spank Inferno Confession

Growing up did you have that friend of the opposite sex that you experimented with? Your first kiss? A little touching here and there? I did. There was this girl who lived down the street from me from second grade until we moved while I was in high school. In order to protect the guilty we will call her CH. She was the first girl I kissed. She had this awesome tree-fort in her backyard where we would make out. If it was raining there was this space under the stairs that we could access through the garage where we would fiddle around. We were boyfriend and girlfriend off and on as we were growing up, the seriousness of the relationship would change with our ages. I always thought that she would be the first girl I slept with. It was the natural progression of our shared history. Once we got in to high school things changed a little. She attended our school district's version of a magnet school in the morning, and she started dating a friend of mine and I had moved, so our antics slowed down a little. Then for the last two years of high school she went to a program based out of the University of North Texas where kids could get college level credit for their junior and senior years of high school. My senior year I had a fairly steady girlfriend, so it seemed as though our lives were growing apart. We wrote back and forth, though I have to admit, I was not the most consistent of correspondents, and we would see each other when she was in town for holidays. At times these meetings would devolve into make out sessions, but more often than not they were just pleasant conversations with a close friend. This changed the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college.

She had just graduated from the program she had been in and I was house-sitting for some friends of the family while they were on vacation. One day she came over and we spent the entire day hanging out. We went somewhere and had lunch, went swimming, we just enjoyed each other's company for the day. We talked about our plans for the future, she was going to Texas A&M to study biotechnology or something like that and I was still an electrical engineering major at University of Houston. We cooked dinner together that night and watched a couple of movies. As the evening wore on, we started to make out on the couch. This elevated and moved to the bedroom. We were at a fairly critical moment when she stopped me by saying, "James, there is something I have to tell you." Somehow, to this day I am unsure how, I knew exactly what she was going to say. She came out of the closet and told me that she was a lesbian and had been for some time. She then went on to tell me that a lot of her realization that she was a lesbian was my fault. She told me that it was my "inconsistency" in our various relationships that had led her to this decision.

I was STUNNED. I didn't know how to deal with the sudden shift in gears. Here I had gone from the brink gettin' it on with the girl I had ALWAYS thought would be my first and who was one of my closest and most intimate friends to finding out that said girl was gay and it was my fault. She went on to tell me that she had always thought I would be her first, and that if she was to sleep with a guy it would be me, but she had discovered her feelings once she was away from me. I couldn't process everything she was saying. One thing that stuck out in my mind is that she had talked to her girlfriend and found out that her girlfriend's friend like me turned out to be gay, too. With everything that was going on, I started to cry.

I think I need to break into the story here and let you know where I was at my life when this happened so you can better understand my reaction. This took place back in 1993, back when I was a fairly conservative and inexperienced kid. I had just recently gotten out of a disappointing relationship with my high school girlfriend, who had turned out to be PSYCHO, and I had yet to have a mature relationship. At this time I was VERY socially awkward outside of my small circle of friends, and especially so around women. My first year of college had been an eye-opening experience for me and I was still trying to process the past year as this incident took place.

Crying was probably not the reaction she had hoped for. I calmed down (initially I wrote clamed, I wonder what Dr. Freud would have to say about that) and put my pants back on. We talked for a little bit about it and then she took off. She called me the next day to ask if I wanted to go to a concert with her, and I said no. I was still processing the eighteen-wheeler that had run me down the night before. There was so much to think about. Was I gay? Was I really that bad at making out? I had TERRIBLE self-esteem at this point in my life before this revelation. This just fed that fire.

I only spoke to CH one time after she invited me to the concert. It was around Christmas, about a year-and-a-half after this incident took place. She wanted to chat like nothing had happened, and I couldn't so it. I would like to say I ripped into her and gave her a piece of my mind about what she had done to me, but I didn't. I was polite. We have not spoken since.

I was very angry at/about lesbians for years after this incident, and to a lesser extent at women in general. I was at a very vulnerable moment and got gut shot and made to doubt my own sexuality and my status as a man. I took me several years to get over this incident, and I feel that there are times when it comes back to haunt me. I know this has colored my interactions with women since that point in that I have some severe trust issues that manifest themselves as borderline creepy jealousy.

Only now, twelve years later, do I understand what happened that night. I was an excuse. That's all. She was not comfortable with her life decision and I served as her extenuating circumstance that allowed her to make this decision. This may be very egotistical of me, but I have finally come to the point where I can forgive her for all of the years of uncertainty her need to blame her issues on me saddled me with. I can also see how coming out of the closet to me would have been very difficult and how it took a lot of guts for her to do. Finally, in retrospect I can respect the huge amount of trust she placed in me in telling me, and I am sorry for my reaction. If she happens to read this and figures out I am talking about her, I would love to hear from her again.

For those of you that care, I ended up losing my virginity a couple of years later to some girl I had met on the internet and that turned out to be a HORRIBLE experience all around.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Need to hug the you, like now. Willow

Jer said...

James,

Upon reading your "Lesbian Spank Inferno Confession" it reminded me of a similar situation in my life.
When I was just a lad of 15, I started dating the hottest girl on the whole damn planet (or so I thought at the time). We dated off and on for a couple of years, and our relationship came to a sudden end after she fell asleep on my lap, drooled all over my crotch, raised her head up (still asleep mind you) and told me she was fat. Anyway, I thought that was a positive sign that our relationship was going well. After that night she broke up with me. I didn't know why for several months. Then the truth hit me like a shopping cart full of flaming pinatas. She had decided she was a lesbian. This led me to have similar thoughts like you. Did I turn her into a lesbian? Was I that bad of a kisser? Did I look a little to much like a chick and did that turn her on?
Well the years went by, and I found out that her girlfriend was actually another one of my close friends. This was another shocker to me. Anyway, I pushed it from my mind until she started to want to hang out with me again. All of the sudden she realized she wasn't really gay. So, she asked me out. Then, it was time for our first date. She didn't show, nor would she answer my calls. "This is strange" thought Jer "why would she ask me out and then stand me up" he pondered. It was another three months before I saw her again. That's when I realized I had dodged the biggest bullet ever hearled in my direction. She was exactly three months pregnant (give or take a few days).
Now (present day) her ex-girlfriend is flurting with me something fierce. Anyway, I'm telling you this story to share the moral I learned with hopefully earnest ears (or eyes since you're reading this). If you have two girls that are openly attracted to you and they used to be lesbian lovers (if their married or not), it would be quite a simple task to set up a threesome.

Later,

Jer

nikki said...

LOL!!! great story, jr.