Soft Core Porn + Midget = RAGE!

The other night I was watching South Park when an advertisement for the latest entry in the Girls Gone Wild video series, Girls Gone Wild Games, came on. Apparently this entry in the reality-TV of soft-core voyuer-porn is hosted by none other than Verne Troyer (Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies.) I find the Girls Gone Wild videos to be minorly annoying, but the ads for the videos are really irritating (particularly those hosted by Doug Stanhope, whose comedy has less humor value than 95% of the craps I have taken in my life). This most recent ad took the cake when they showed two girls going wild in a pool while Verne snorkeled and watched the not so hot action. He then pops his head out of the water and says something to the effect of, "That's nice!" I don't know why, but this broke me. I was instantly filled with a rage and I needed to share. As far as lame lines dropped in a Girls Gone Wild video this even tops Stanhope's, "Show us where babies feed! It's natural!" I mean, come on Verne, I suspect the action you are watching is at best OK, maybe nice in that I-am-getting-to-watch-two-girls-make-out-and-that-is-always-fun way, but it is not good action. Good action is the antithesis of the Girls Gone Wild videos. They are truly the lowest common denominator of exploitative bad porn. I considered why I was so angry about the ad, and here is what I found:

1. Do not mix midgets with sub-Skinemax porn. Just don't do it. The midget in Happy Gilmore bothered me enough, I don't need one of those little freaks running around distracting me from what small pleasure I derive from the soft-core stuff. If there is going to be some good, hardcore pounding, I don't mind the midget, but if all I am going to get is disorienting glimpses of one blonde idiot kissing on another blonde idiot then leave the frackin' midget at home.

2. Silence is golden! No one should speak, unless of course one of the girls wants to lay some dirty talk on me, but I certainly don't need commentary on the afore mentioned moron-on-moron action. Play some appropriate synthesizer music, perhaps some rock if the girls are appropriately extreme. Let me hear their giggles and other vocalizations. Don't give me a play by play or color commentary.