Funky Woodjam: The Secret Origin

A couple of people have asked me about the origins of the Funky Woodjam name. The easy answer is that WOODJAM1 is my user ID on the proprietary computer system at my office. This system requires each user to have a unique user ID made up of eight characters. Usually these user IDs are made up of the first six letters of your last name and the first two letters of your first name, however this has to be adjusted for those of us with shorter last names. The user ID for James Wood is WOODJAME, however when I started there was another James Wood who worked at the company. In order to create a consistent but unique user ID the E on the end was replaced with a 1. This formula sometimes leads to funny/tragic results with the user IDs DICKMELO and BETHEAPE being just two of the user IDs with puerile humor value, which believe you me, dear reader, I ran with, I have seen in my time.

A consequence of having this system of naming people is that some people get user IDs that will start being used in person-to-person contact. Since there was another James who worked in the Parts department when I started, it was natural for people to find another name to use when referring to me. Fortunately my user ID provided a name which easily flowed off the tongue, therefore around the office people started to refer to me as Woodjam, rather than James. (Lately some people have been referring to me as J.Wo, with the long O. I suspect it is because of my prodigious and quite sexy behind, and the fact that I will bust a cabbage patch anywhere, anytime.)

So I was stuck with the nom de emploi Woodjam. Then one day some of the people from the office were trying to convince me to go dancing with them. I abhor dance clubs. I can't dance AT ALL. I attribute 50% of this to the fact I am lily-white, and the other 50% to the fact that I am uncomfortable in my body and kind of awkward. They were trying to convince me to go and I was trying to convince them that James in a dance club has all the rhythm and lyrical motion of a beached whale suffering a full-body dry-heave. Basically not a pretty site. They did not believe me. Clearly more drastic action was needed.

I then proceeded to show them how bad of a dancer I was by mixing the cabbage patch with a semi-provocative hip-thrust (okay, if a girl was doing it, it would be hot, but with my tubby butt doing it, well, it was scary), a spin, and the white man overbite. This particular set of dance moves was quickly dubbed the Funky Wood Jam and is considered by some the most powerful dance known to man.