Monday, January 09, 2006

Monday Blah-ging

It is generally accepted that Monday is the crappiest day of the week. I disagree with this and subscribe to Nikki’s theory that Tuesday is, in fact, the crappiest and most oppressive day of the week. However this morning I was feeling VERY blah and unmotivated. Then, from the vast depths of the internet (LA Weekly via Beaucoupkevin) came the Big Monkey News for 2005. This is a thing of beauty. Mr. Church chose to concentrate on the bit where we learn:
The common name of a new species of titi monkey discovered last year at the Madidi National Park in Bolivia was auctioned off to the highest bidder. The winner:, which paid $650,000 to put its moniker on the new Monkey.
I wish I had won the lottery and knew about this as I would have spent a retarded amount of money to have the Funky Wood Jam Monkey. Just typing that brings a tear to my eye. You can read a bit more about this story here and here, and view the official website here, however this is not what caught my eye in the original article. Try this one for size:
An experiment at Duke University Medical Center offered thirsty monkeys a choice: their favorite drink, in this case, Juicy Juice brand cherry drink [which I also love], or the opportunity to look at computer images of the dominant, “celebrity” monkey of their pack. Despite their thirst, they chose to look at the pictures. Monkeys with status have food, power, and sexual magnetism – everything the others crave. The impulse to look at these “celebrity” monkeys was so strong it superseded thirst.
Interesting. But wait, there’s more!
In the same experiment, researchers discovered that their monkeys would give up significant juice rewards if it meant viewing female behinds.
Thank you Duke University Medical Center! Anyone who believes in evolution can no longer get pissed when I look at porn. It is in my genetic code and we all know you can't fight genetics! Now that’s what I call intelligent design!

However even the lame justification for looking at naked and semi-naked women was not the crowning moment for monkeys in 2005. Check it, yo:
Capuchin monkeys learned to use money this year. Using a silver disk as currency that could be exchanged for food, the critters quickly developed budgeting and began following the basic rules of utility maximization and price theory. A capuchin even discovered the fungibility of money – that it could be used to buy not only food, but anything. The first new monetary monkey market [mmm…alliteration]: sex. Researchers were stunned when a male offered a female a token for a quick roll in the hay and she accepted. Afterward, the female traded her new token for a tasty grape.
Hooker monkeys. I couldn’t make this stuff up, and I am a pretty big liar. Oh, wait a minute, isn’t prostitution illegal? I really wanted to make a Pat Robertson/Jim Bakker joke here, however I can’t really get there. Then I thought about the recent posting about the slippery slope argument over at A Casual Soapbox and it came to me. Oh my god. The next thing these monkeys are going to want is to get married! Well, either that or they will want to unionize, and I don’t blame them, but I am wondering what benefits the monkeys would demand. A poo-flinging break?

Thank you, Mr. Church and the LA Weekly, you made my Monday.


nikki said...

hooker monkeys. ha ha ha!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! Okay, that's just fabulous.