Whoa!

(Please read the title of this in either your best Joey Lawrence voice OR best Keanu Reeves voice. I'm not too picky.)

On the heels of my emotional breakdown at the beginning of last week I have been in deep navel-gazing mode. One of the things that has become obvious, and something that I have known for a while but been unwilling to face, is that all of my relationships fail because of my lack of self-confidence. This time was really no different. Part of me really wants to go into the whys and wherefores of this instance here, and I actually planned on doing it, however as I am typing this I find I do not have the desire to delve back into it. Suffice to say I was unsure of so many things that when we went out I was not able to be comfortable in my own skin and this stands in STARK contrast to how comfortable and emotionally intimate we are when chatting online and via email. (For the record I did not meet her online, she has been a friend for some time, however our friendship, and my love, blossomed while she was out of town and we spent time talking online.)

Between bouts of depression and attempts to not be alone I spent a lot of time thinking about what I need to do to get on more stable ground with myself, particularly if I am ever going to attempt to date this particular woman again as I really feel like I am not punching my weight* when we go out, thus I start behind the eight-ball. I know part of my insecurity comes from not being able to get over my own geekiness, which is something that I will address at some other point. Right now what I am most concerned about is my weight. I know I need to loose some but I did not know how bad it actually was until I stepped on the scale Friday morning. It read something rather, well, weighty. Being none to pleased with the result I stepped off the scale and went to take a dump. Then I stepped back on the scale. No significant change. Damn. Fuck. 320 pounds. Really? Shit. (Never mind, that one didn't help at all.) *SIGH* Looks like my chubby ass is tipping the scales at 320 pounds. Looks like it is time to get to work.

As I said I was already thinking that I needed to do something, partially as a result of discussions I had with Brian on Monday, and partially just because I need something to concentrate on right now, so before ever stepping on the scale I was already plotting what I needed to do. The first thing I decided I needed to do was to cut out drinking soda. I generally have two or more cans of Coke a day. These are calories that I do not need and they should be easy to cut out of my diet. So far I am doing pretty okay. I think I might have had one or two Cokes over the weekend but here it is Monday and I have made it so far. The second thing I am going to do is give up drinking anything but milk, water, tea, and fruit juice for Lent. While I know I do not have a drinking problem, the beer and other drinks are, like the Cokes, calories that I can easily give up. On top of that alcohol actually slows your metabolism and right now I want to be doing things to increase my metabolism and help my body burn the food I am eating plus some of the extra James I have lying around. I also think this would be good discipline for me and seeing as I have already done it once, I know this is an achievable goal. Finally I have a friend who has problems with the drink. I am going to challenge her to match me on this one since it is a finite time line. The third thing I am going to do is begin eating breakfast. Nothing too big, just something to kick my metabolism in the ass in the morning. I went to the grocery store on Sunday and picked up enough yogurt to have that as breakfast every day for the next several weeks. The fourth thing I am doing is giving the Metabolife tablets another try. While I do not like how I feel initially on these tablets, I am not 18 anymore despite how I behave, and my metabolism needs the help. While I was out this weekend I picked up a bottle of 90 tablets, which should be enough for 15 days of meals. We will see how this goes and while trying them out I am going to be researching the various pills out there to see if there is a better alternative. The fifth thing I am doing, and this is going to be my biggest struggle, is that I am trying to be more conscious of the portions I eat. This is probably going to be my single biggest struggle with the food but we shall see how it goes.

The reason I am posting this, in addition to just sharing with you where I am right now in life, is that I need help getting this done. I need my friends to step in and help me be accountable because I do not think this is something I can do on my own. I derive a great amount of pleasure from the act of eating, it doesn't even have to be good food as long as there is enough of it for me to get my munch on. I think I will save any more self-analysis on this front for a future post.

At some point in the not too distant future (next Sunday, A.D.)** Brian and I intend to start getting into the office early and hitting the gym a couple of times a week. We discussed this last Monday as part of the larger emo-boy whine fest put on by your humble, and apparently portly, author and in one of those too difficult to ignore coincidences the fitness center here at the office has taken it upon themselves to launch a membership drive today. Seemed like a good chance to get something done so I went ahead and joined up, as did Brian. Now all we have to do is go through some crazy ass orientation and we will be able to start working out in the mornings.

It just occurred to me that I have written this entire post about being fat and my plans to get that under control without stating what my goals are. Right now I would like to get down to 250 pounds, not an unreasonable weight for a guy my size, although more important than my actual final weight is whether I am healthy and have formed some more healthy eating habits. I am going to start posting my weight on Fridays as well as thinking about where I have been over the past week in an attempt to share my victories and places where I messed up. Plus I will play with some graphs and charts so we can have some visual aids.

Thanks for listening.


* This is to say I am WAY outclassed by this girl. She is smart, funny, sexy, and beautiful. It is like me dating, I dunno, Natalie Portman. It just doesn't happen. This is not to say that I am not a realist and know that she has flaws, we are all too human, but just, damn.

** This is the second time today I get to make this joke and that makes me happy in places we just don't talk about.