Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Finger

Some dopey ho gave me the finger while I was driving in to the office this morning. Now I am not particularly offended by the finger. In the interest in full disclosure I use the finger. I might use the finger more often than the average person, but generally I constrain myself to calling people no talent ass clowns or f@%&tards. I believe there are certain rules of the road for using the finger and since this pick-up driving trollop managed to violate the prime rule of the finger, I thought I would try to codify my philosophy of the finger, as it were.

The first and most important rule of flicking people off when you are driving, besides not doing it to a cop which is just common sense and therefore doesn’t really rate a bullet point in this list, is DON”T FLICK PEOPLE OFF WHEN YOU ARE THE PERSON DRIVING LIKE A COMPLETE ASS. For example, if you are tear-assing along the Hardy Toll Road in excess of 80 mile per hour (I believe the speed limit is 65), cutting across lanes of traffic like a spinning stock car, and you end up behind someone who feels the need to take the swooping exit to 610 East at slightly less than 800 miles per hour, you don’t have the moral right to give them the bird. In fact, if you were to do that said driver might slow down to trap your ass between a pick-up full of carpet and a Harris County Sheriff. Suck it you stupid blonde cow.

Second, if you feel the need to escalate to the finger, then you had better be ready to deal with the consequences. These can range from a ticket from the local gendarmes to a butt whuppin’ of heroic proportions to, these days, getting shot. When I drop the finger I do it when the person either does not have a clear shot at me or looks to be the type of person that is not carrying weapons on the road, or at least is not ready to use them.

Third, after you have dropped the finger it is time to move on. People that can’t let go of crap (he types with no sense of irony) are the reason road rage escalates to beatings and killings. For example, if you happen to be driving and get cut-off it is perfectly acceptable to go around the person who cut you off and give them the finger. Perhaps multiple fingers if you can rally the troops. After that it is time for you to carry on with your business, particularly if you have your wife and kids in the car. What you should not do is continue to harass the two guys in the car that are driving to their hockey game. You really shouldn’t do this if one of the characters involved is my friend Steve. The reason you don’t do this with Steve in the car is that I stand 6’3” tall and I am, as I like to say, a big boy who is soft in the middle but can bring the thunder when necessary (particularly when there is a pay phone involved.) Steve is easily an inch taller than me and while he has a slightly thinner build than I do, he is by no means skinny. At the time he was playing an awful lot of hockey and so he was in pretty good shape. You certainly do not want to continue the harassment for several miles. If you follow this course and then decide, at one red light, the best way to deal with the situation is to get out of your car, it is time to put up the dukes. Certainly don’t do all this just to go scurrying back into your car like some pathetic turtle when Steve steps out of the Volkswagon. At this point it is time to throw down and for you to take the butt whuppin you so richly deserve. With you wife and kids watching. Pansy.

So there it is. My philosophy of the finger. Three simple rules of the road for using the finger that I think we can all agree on. Except Nikki who HATES it when I drop the finger on people. She’s probably right, but as I have made perfectly clear on here, I am not mature enough to give it up.


Diana said...

I want to know how many people I can scream "Suck it you stupid blonde cow!" before I get the shit beaten out of me. I'm sure I can out run a few, but then what?

James said...

If you have the power of Tunahotep, then the answer is, "An infinite number of people!" (that was my movie annoucer voice). If not, I am guessing as many blondes as you see, but be prepared for some inappropriate oral gestures. I mean, we all know about blondes.

Oh yeah, and don't stand near a payphone while doing it. Those things are dangerous.