Friday, December 02, 2005

Safety is the New Black

Earlier this week at the office we had some sort of lame safety meeting in which we went over the 2005 edition of the Safety & Health Handbook, a 105-page gem of writing of which less than 10% applies to me. When am I, in my position as data ninja, going to have to know the Recommended Hand Signals for Controlling Crane Operations as illustrated below:


I would like to note that these are not standard and therefore while you are desperately trying to get someone to dog everything you may actually be telling them to swing away. As RF likes to say, “Bad drugs, Timmy.”

Towards the end of the meeting the gentleman who was presenting the word of the Safety God as told to the secretive Committee of Five and recorded in the Holy Safety & Health Handbook he got in to discussing the fact that some departments have created Committees for Safety. I immediately thought of the infamous Committee of Public Safety (Comite de Salut Public, in French, and you people think I have no class!) which was the de facto government during the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution. Whilst I was in my reverie, imagining such things as safety guillotines (the new Mach 3 Power Guillotine brought to you by Gillette) and department-specific versions of La Marseillaise (that’s the French national anthem for you unwashed masses, more of that class, I tell you.) Then it came out that my officemate was to be put in charge of this committee for our department.

OH CRAP.

In order to keep this newfound position of glory from going to his head and help usher in a new era of repression of the masses in the name of public safety and La Revolution (more French, that’s how classy I am) I decided that we must salute him with the hand gesture I have heard referred to as the ‘Stunner’ or ‘Shocker’. This salute is made by extending the index finger, middle finger, and pinky while using your thumb to hold your ring finger to your palm.

This salute will come to represent Public Safety for All, his ultimate goal, and the sacrifices we must make to achieve such a lofty and noble dream. I mean seriously, who doesn’t want to be safe? Think of safety and security as the new freedom. It’s just like the old freedom but with lower insurance rates for the company and slightly less freedom for the masses. I mean, lets be honest, 99% of the masses are wasting their freedom anyway, and the remaining 1% can be put to use keeping Gillette, makers of the Mach 3 Power Safety Guillotine, in business. And ultimately what is good for business is good the public welfare.

I would like all of you to note that when the resistance begins I shall be known as the Scarlet Pimp (that’s how I roll, yo) but until then you can refer to me as Marius.

2 comments:

RF said...

If you're gonna go by "The Scarlet Pimp" (nice reference btw), you're gonna need to dress the part.
Oh, and a side note, El Officemate-o was the firewarden of our floor in the last job. He likes him som e saftey.

James said...

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna have to get me some ho's, too, and I don't think Scoots McGee counts, although I guess he could be my Eurotrash gigilo.

(Thanks!)

Yeah he does. Just the other day he was lamenting that due to riding the motocycle he was no longer able to carry two lighters and two flashlights in his backpack. The only thing I am sure of is that if the end of the world comes while we are at work, I am totally whacking him and looting his stuff.