Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Shocking Revelation

WARNING:

THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF IMMORAL AND SUBMERSIVE BEHAVIOR WHICH MAY OFFEND YOUR TENDER SENSIBILITIES.



The University of Houston is a cesspool of morally subversive behavior that poses a clear and immediate threat to the moral health of our fair city and anyone who participates in C-USA athletics. I can sense the indignation emanating from the loyal sons of Cullen out who may be reading this. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, and to avoid the eventual lynching, I want my readers to know that I attended the University of Houston for two years and consider it my collegiate home therefore it pains me to have to blow the lid off this scandal.

How many of you have attended a UH athletic event? How many of you remember the hand gesture that UH uses?

This gesture is called the Cougar Paw (I did not know it had a name either) and according to the NationMaster.com encyclopedia originated as an act of defiance against those dirty oppressors from Austin, the University of Texas Longhorns. Now, one makes the Cougar Paw by bending the ring finger back towards the palm and using the thumb to hold it in place. This is done while keeping the index finger, middle finger, and pinky erect.

Go ahead and make the gesture. Contemplate that for a moment. Does it look familiar?

You might recognize this gesture as the vulgar gesture commonly referred to as “the shocker.” As Wikipedia states, the shocker is intended to bring to mind the sexual maneuver where two fingers are placed in the vagina and one in the anus (vulgarly referred to as “two in the pink, one in the stink”). This caused quite a scandal at Hannover High School in Pennsylvania in May of 2000 as reported at Rotten.com. The situation escalated to the point where the principal of the school felt compelled to leave. All over this hand gesture that the Universtity of Houston has institutionalized and encourages its students to throw around with reckless abandon. Its as if University of Kansas Jayhawks decided to use the ubiquitous ‘bird’ as their gang sign.

Speaking of the University of Kansas, I wonder if they are prepared for the hordes of loyal UH fans they are going to confront as the two schools face-off at the Fort Worth Bowl on the 23rd of this month. Are they ready to deal with all the Cougars wildly gesticulating with their ‘Cougar Paws’ indicating their desire put their fingers in the Jayhawks butts? Perhaps the Jayhawks have good intelligence and are willing to engage the enemy with what I like to think of as the nuclear option of gesticulation, a gesture which, considering their mascot, would be perfectly acceptable; the bird.

1 comment:

Mr.TunaCan said...

Now some might wonder why this gesture is referred to as the "Cougar Paw". U of H's macot is the cougar, and they used to have a live cougar there on campus (as some sort of inspiration I guess). When we were there you could still see the old cage in the regularily flooded park area between E. Cullen and the Towers (where they used to hold Perpetual Park Party before that unfortunate, but very funny lip-syncing incident). Now anyone who has ever visited the campus realizes that its in a rough area of Houston. At some point the cougar's (known affectionately as Shasta, just like the cheap ass soft drink) was shot at. there are still bullet holes visible in the cage. Long story short, one of Shasta's "fingers" was shot clean off and so in a wierd moment of cross species solidarity they adopted the "Cougar Paw" as their official symbol and held down the finger that shasta had lost.
Oh, and aparently the cougar wasa dirty bastard and was a real big fan of the ol' two in the pink, one in the stink, thing.