Things I Learned Last Week

First, apparently I drink at work. A lot. The other day I was going to meet a friend of mine for lunch. Now to get to the appointed meeting place I had to go out of my office, meander down the hall, turn twice, and then board the elevator. On this particular day I follow the aforementioned path to glory, as it were, however at the very end of my quest I took a wrong turn…and ended up in the bathroom. Doubtless this Freudian slip will provide hours of fodder/entertainment for my therapist, however I cannot help but notice that this is the second time I have confused the elevator and the bathroom since I started working at my current job. Of course I never really used the elevator at my former place of employment (though I did accidentally use the ladies restroom once) so the connection between places of employment is specious, however for humor’s sake I am going to stick with it. Well that, and I think I know what is happening. I suspect that the fine gentleman with whom I share an office (previously mentioned here and here) is lacing my water with some sort of drug which then leaves me confused and open to suggestion. I cannot be certain why he would do this, however I think it is to undermine my eventual overthrow of his Committee for Safety. Vive la libertie!

Second I wish I was descended from a marsupial rather than a primate. I was kickin’ it in my USBDT hoodie when I came to this realization. Opposable thumbs are a waste, I mean look at Godzilla. He has opposable thumbs and is all kinds of angry. Some have posited that this is because he cannot reach his business for a couple of rounds of self-pleasure, but I suspect it is because some goofy bastards woke him from a nice little nap with an atomic bomb. Or perhaps he also desires a pouch because a pouch is the evolutionary gift that keeps on giving.