WTF Files - GQ

Yes. I read GQ. I don’t get why people are surprised when I cop to this particular habit of mine. From time to time they have really good articles, but most of the time I read it for the Mixology and Guy Food columns (or whatever they may be called now) and then leave it sitting on the back of the toilet for later consumption. It was during one of these later consumption episodes when I was brought to a screeching halt by one of the men named to GQ’s men of the year. I will run down the entire list so you can get an idea of who all is involved.

• Big Shot – 50 Cent
• Leading Man – Heath Ledger
• Breakout – Terrence Howard
• Agent Provocateur – Jeremy Piven
• Man of the House – Kevin Federline
• Dude – Vince Vaughn
• Katrina Saviors – Malik Rahim, Ed Binn, Juan Parke, Derrick Robertson, Kevin Davis, Jon Donley
• Chameleon – Philip Seymour Hoffman
• Street-Fighting Man – Eliot Spitzer
• Directors – Fernando Meirelles, David Cronenberg, and Doug Liman
• Line Walker – Joaquin Phoenix
• Baller – Steve Nash
• Big Man on Campus – Kanye West
• Designer of the Year – Hedi Slimane
• Arrival – Wentworth Miller

I understand why everyone on this list, including Kanye West (who I think is a no-talent ass clown grenade-thrower of the first order), is on this list with one exception. Can you guess who it is? I will give you a couple of hints.

1. He got his ex-girlfriend to pay for a plane ticket so he could go and hook up with his now-wife. His ex-girlfriend was pregnant with their second child at the time.
2. Recently a track from his in-production rap album was leaked. From this track we learned he doesn’t know the difference between the paparazzi and Pavarotti. (Just to clear this up: the paparazzi are the people responsible for documenting your sub-human behavior and keeping you in the public eye, you craptastic piece of mustelid filth. Pavarotti is a world-renown tenor. This means he sings, usually classical music, and I don’t mean covers of Van Halen’s Jump or anything by Bon Jovi.)

Give up? His name is nestled right there between Jeremy Piven, who I have liked since PCU although upon review I must have known about him for much longer than that, and Vince Vaughn, who has been my boy since his Swingers days, baby. That’s right, in their infinite wisdom GQ decided to name Kevin Federline, or K-Fed as me and the boyz call him, as one of the men of the year.

Are you fucking kidding me, GQ? Seriously, see what you made me do? I had to cuss. On the internet. Where my mom can read it. Are you proud of yourselves? The only way Kevin Federline could be less of a man is if in some tragic accident his man-parts were removed by a knife-wielding Shar Jackson. Never mind, that would be the WORST thing that could happen since, if he followed in John’s footsteps, he would then make porn. Call me old fashioned, but you don’t go trying to score some tail while your girlfriend is home with a bun in the oven. You especially do not get her to pay for your ticket out there.

I really have nothing more to say about this except that I would advise everyone else on the list to ask GQ to print a retraction. I would not want my name to be on a list that included the K-Fed unless it happen to be a list of guys who have slipped ole Willy the One-Eyed Wonder Weasel to Britney and got a Ferrari for their troubles. (Although I think I would hold out for the Lamborghini Diablo. Yellow. With a black interior. Mmmmm….Diablo.)