Scene from a Wal-Mart

So last night I felt the need to combat the crowds at Wal-Mart so I could cook dinner, purchase martini glasses, and impulse-buy “The Brothers Grimm.” (Terry Gilliam rocks!) Foolish, foolish James. Did I not realize twas a few nights before Christmas and all through the land these damn yuppies and rednecks would be shopping again? Apparently not. I am also beginning to suspect that during my short tenure as a Wal-Martian, I was programmed so I cannot resist the twin siren songs of naked commercialism and oppression of the worker when there is most assuredly going to be a huge freakin’ crowd of idiots shopping.

At this point I had gathered all of the makings of dinner, martini glasses, and the obligatory impulse buy (Matt Damon rocks!) and was standing in the wine aisle hoping against hope that they had a not-crappy wine to go with the pasta and goo I was going to prepare for dinner. To be honest I was really hoping they carried Messina Hof wines. They don’t. They had some interesting choices, but nothing really called to me. While I was contemplating the wine bottle with penguins on the label (some Australian wine) or one of the Yellow Tail wines (another Australian wine with a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit) a young lady came on the PA system with the following announcement:

Mister Brad Johnson would you please pick up your wife in layaway? Mister Brad Johnson your wife is ready in layaway.

Immediately I started laughing. Fairly hard and out loud. I thought you usually got your wife right at the beginning of the deal and then pay for it rather than pay for it and then pick her up. I think my laugher scared the little old lady who was considering her Pringles options on the back side of the wine aisle.

This moment made the next thirty minutes spent questing for small candy canes worth it. Who knew Wal-Mart put the Christmas candy in the Garden Center? (I bet Heath Ledger knows cause he rocks.) It may have even made up for having to wait in line while the oh-so-gag-me-with-a-spoon-cute couple behind me discussed the Christmas baskets that Mitzy the wonder wife was putting together for all of Biff’s co-workers.

Names have been changed for comedic emphasis.

(Did I mention that Monica Belluci rocks and is smack-me-and-call-me-Sally hot?)